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I'm not sure where to begin with this post, I have to confess it will have nothing much to do with books. I just feel that this is the only place to write all what's going on inside my head, even if no one reads it. Sometimes writing stuff down what you're thinking can do an awful lot of good, even if it makes no sense at all. As you may or may not know, I'm in my first year of university which will in fact draw to a close a month today. To me that sounds scary because it feels like only yesterday I started, it didn't all go exactly to plan in the first place but that's another story to be told. We all have goings on in our life that we can't prevent from happening, they just come at us out of the blew with no warning sign or flashing light. Without giving too much detail, my Gran recently was taken to hospital. Grandparents are funny things, you think they'll stay with you forever but as we know that isn't the case. They get old and things start giving up in their body. We don't know yet what's wrong but it doesn't sound promising, my Dad and Uncle are worried sick and its all just a blur at the moment. I'm 19 and I'm still kept in the shadows of what's actually going on, I think for my age I know a fair amount about "life". I use that loosely as I know I'm still young and some of you might say "barely lived", but I'm not silly. I have my eyes open and try to keep myself in tune with what's happening in the world and with the people around me, I may not understand it all but at least I have an idea. I find it funny looking back on my high school life, I worried about the silliest of things. For example, does my hair look okay? What if I fail my GCSE's and end up running away to the circus? Should I text that boy or should I wait for him to text me? And all these other ridiculous concerns you have at that age. Now being older I'm starting to realise not much of that matters anymore, sure passing my GCSE's and A-Levels were a huge deal as without them I wouldn't have been able to get into university. Education is important and everyone should have a right to it, I know at that age I didn't exactly enjoy it. I'm not sure many kids do at that age, you just feel like your parents want to be rid of you for a few hours to listen to some dreary teachers moan on about homework 24/7. All that aside, once you have an education and get yourself through it (and you will!) you will be proud of yourself and realise you can now take the next step forward in life- whatever it may be! I'm not saying you're going to be the next Alan Sugar or Emma Watson but at least with an education it opens up some doors, once you have qualifications no one can take them away from you. When you really think about that it makes me feel so lucky to have had the chance of a good education, an for free! It seems so old fashioned to say that there are still places around the world who have to pay to get a standard education, but its true and yet sad. I feel so privileged, of course at times I moaned about going but what can I say? I was a stereotypical Western child who gets an education given to her on a plate. But I am grateful, I am. Today I was thinking to myself of what I really want from life and like a typical student, I really don't know. I've always had the idea of travelling around the world and reading books- that's it. It seems daft that I have no "big ambition" like becoming a police officer or nurse, teacher etc but at this point in time I don't. I'm questioning a lot about my life, do I really want a degree? What will I do with this degree? What if I fail my first year? What would my parents think if I failed and had to drop out? Will I end up stuck in my supermarket job? I honestly don't know the answer to all these questions, I'm one of those people that goes with the flow and waits to see what happens. Don't get me wrong I worry about everything and anything, constantly questioning everything I do and I really wish I didn't. I keep telling myself "its my life and I need to make the most of it", and yet I question myself again and go "well what should I do with it?" (my life that is). I believe that whatever happens, happens. It will work out for the best either way, I need to make my mistakes and learn from them. I mean that's what life is about right? One way or another I know I will do what makes me happiest, I tend to not do what I don't want to do. Mainly because I know it will make me unhappy, I've noticed this at university where if I don't want to attend a lecture I won't. Laziness is more than likely the cause, I don't know. Its all just a jumble in my head and I know that this post is just a huge ramble but I'm just at a crossroads and I'm waiting for something to push me in the right direction. I'm trying new things, like starting a YouTube channel to share my love for books. That's what is making me happy, I get no greater pleasure than reading a book- maybe I took the wrong degree course then? Who knows but I'm not going to ramble over that for now! More recently this year I have been inspired by the YouTube community and as you're aware have begun my own adventure on the website and I love it, I love it a lot. One of the youtubers I watch is a guy called Louis Cole aka FunforLouis, he travels the globe and does a great amount of charity work. I watch his daily vlogs religiously and they honestly make me feel fantastic, even though I'm not there where he is. I feel like I'm actually there living the adventure too, its a wonderful feeling. Positive vibes radiate off his vlogs and I just wish I could do what he does and it suddenly occurred to me...why can't I? I mean what's stopping me from doing what he does? Well, money yes and the fact I'm at university. What about after university though? Technically I can do anything if I put my mind to it? So now as cute as I can come across, I have a series of money boxes in my room and each of them are funds towards travelling abroad. I'm going to save up as much as I can and after university I am going to hopefully have enough money to go to a distant land and help a community who needs support, I want to make a difference to someone else's life. I don't want to feel useless anymore, I want to be someone who can put a smile on someone's face. So that's my conclusion, I want to do what I actually want to do. I want to travel across the world and help others, it sounds so simple when I put it like that but I feel that that's what I am meant to do with my life. But like I say who knows where I might end up, maybe I will change my mind and have an office job in the future. Who knows? No one, but no one can stop you from doing what you want to do. Your family want what's best for you and what will make you happy. Don't be scared of doing that something you've always wanted to do, so what plans may change and you end up doing something completely different? That's what life is about, trying new things, making mistakes and learning from them. We're only human! And I keep saying this to myself every day no matter what life throws at me "don't worry, be happy" and its true. I know this whole blog post was one massive ramble of a mess, but I feel a lot better for writing it and I hope it may give you reading it a little bit of comfort too.
