*A friendly warning that this post is rather personal and I felt the need to share what's going in in this messed up head of mine* Do you ever get to a point where everything in your life seems to be going well and you can't quite believe it, and you're conscious of everything falling apart? That's pretty much my mind right now. These past six months have been a bit bizarre for me; starting Open University, turning twenty-one, breaking up with my ex, maintaining a part-time job while studying, dealing with my health problems, exceeding my expectations of my studies, and beginning to date someone new- it's all rather a lot and now it's hit me quite hard. I'm not sad that all of this has happened because I've done a lot of growing up, and I feel like a stronger person. I think what's getting to me is the fact I am dealing with it well and now I'm at a crossroads where I don't know where to turn to next, and I'm scared that I'm going to throw it all away. With my studies I work my hardest because I don't want to let myself down and I don't want to be viewed as a failure to others either, and I'm proud that I've managed to find the courage and motivation to give university another go. I'm a determined person who let's very little get in my way, but I'm also human and I do have my doubts of my aspirations and future goals. I worry that I'm not going to be good enough and be trapped in a twister of disappointment, and I try to not allow this to get in my way by conveying that I am a positive person who wants to encourage others to achieve their dreams too. I just find it hard behind this online personality, and I'm not saying all of this positivity is fake so that you'll like me I am generally a positive person but I just think that my "other" side slips in at times and my insecurities pour out and I feel vulnerable. Alongside studying I review books and I enjoy it so much, and every time I get an exciting new email asking me to be a part of a blog tour or just someone admiring my blog I feel so much pride in myself. There really is no better feeling than someone noticing how passionate you are in what you do, and even though it's a hobby at the moment I want it to help me in getting a job in the publishing industry so it's beyond encouraging for me to carry on aiming high and reaching out to achieve them dreams. I confess that I do get bogged down and feel pressured in posting on this blog at times, especially when I'm posting things that are unrelated to books. I'm glad I'm trying new things but what got this blog going was my love for books, and I want to get back on track. I have so many amazing supportive bloggers around me who I look up to, and yes envy at times. They all seem so much more involved than I am and I feel like that friend who's holding them back and just generally being annoying. I know they work hard perhaps more so than me but I do take it to heart when I see them achieve so many great things and I haven't- I guess I'm just impatient perhaps or not being realistic in my capabilities. If you follow me on Twitter you've probably seen my recent tweets of dating someone new, and I've been sitting on cloud nine ever since. When you meet someone new you are apprehensive of getting hurt again, and it's only come to my attention that I do get emotionally involved with people more than I admit to myself. I met this guy on a dating app called OkCupid (yes how cringe and risky- I know!), and we got talking. It just so happened that I was already meeting up with a friend on the day he asked me on a date, and so I spent the day with my friend and I met him in Liverpool Street station London. I've never felt so sick or nervous to meet someone in my life, not even when I first met my ex. He turned up at around 5 o'clock and immediately my nerves vanished and turned into happiness, and from that moment on we didn't stop talking. We walked along the River Thames admiring all the lights sparkling, the boats bobbing along the water and thinking up scenarios about the people around us and there was a moment where we stopped and held hands to take in everything all around us and I can't shake that from my mind, it was perfect and probably the most romantic moment I've experienced. I was enjoying myself, smiling for no reason and with someone who for some reason seems interested in me too. He brushed my hair back as the wind attacked it and we continued our walk to find a coffee house to chat some more, I've never felt so comfortable with someone in my life. We were playing with each other's hands and talked for hours about anything and everything...but sadly I knew I had to end the evening soon. He insisted on walking me back to the station, a real gent. Once we were at the station I couldn't believe it was nearly half past nine in the evening, it felt like we hardly spent any time together at all. He took both my hands in his and suddenly shyness came over me and I was smiling so bright, blushing hard and he kissed me. The most sweet and passionate kiss, ever. We said our reluctant goodbyes and I was smiling to myself the whole train journey home...and yeah I've been sitting on cloud nine ever since. This is all rather cute and I'm smiling as I sit here reflecting on it all, but my mind now has taken over. I'm worried that when we meet again it won't feel the same or his thoughts on me will change and, I'll be left with the thoughts of what might have been. Like woah brain it was one date, and it went better than expected but why do I allow myself to get so wrapped up in someone? I hate that I do this, I'm telling myself to go with the flow and see what happens instead of getting my hopes up high with the possibility of them crashing down on me. When it comes to relationships with others I like to be open with my feelings and sometimes I leave myself open to be hurt and I'm a fool for doing so, but when you play hard to get or close yourself up what are you gaining? I want nothing more than to see him again and feel the things I felt just days ago (like seriously what is wrong with me?) and continue spending time together, I just need to knock it into me that I shouldn't expect so much of others.. Perhaps I'm not ready to get involved with someone else just yet but it seems right and I'm happy. I know it sounds so silly to get upset over things like this, and maybe I'm just hormonal but when you have so much racking through your brain it can be quite exhausting. I feel better for allowing myself to let it all out and just feel free with how I'm feeling, and what's going on in my life. I don't usually divulge this much to anyone and maybe that's my problem, with anxiety it's not easy to do this but I think I've finally cracked and maybe it's for the best that I've done this. I apologise for not providing a useful, fun, interesting etc kind of post today. These thoughts were racing through my mind and I just needed to get it off my chest...I have a lot of university work to be getting on with, a hospital appointment to attend tomorrow and I just want to lay down and take a moment to breathe. To those of you feeling overwhelmed with what's happening in your lives I urge you to write it down, not necessarily in a blog post a notebook will do- just do it. You'll feel relieved to have at least taken it off your mind and out into the world physically. Breathe. Everything will be okay. Hugs and love as always,
